


Most Ardently

by Dalzo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M, Mild Angst, Post TLJ, Soft Ben Solo, eventual domestic fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 04:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20717759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalzo/pseuds/Dalzo
Summary: There were other times, too, when he realised that love wasn’t so simple: like the nights that never seemed to quiet down, shouting matches carrying high into his room. There was that word he sensed,‘monster’, when his anger spiked and his power became uncontrollable, when his parents fought until it ended in tears, when his mother insisted he be sent away and the one, unforgettable time he woke up to a bright flash of green and haunted blue eyes.There was even Snoke. And, perhaps, that was the most complicated of all.But then Rey came along — ten years younger, ten years wiser — on the other side of the war, with the Resistance, with his Uncle, with everyone he held a complicated relationship with, and on the other side of the Galaxy. That didn’t stop love, though.The five times Ben Solo acknowledges his love for Rey and the one time she believes in it.





	Most Ardently

**Author's Note:**

  * For [commandercrouton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandercrouton/gifts).

Love is complicated. 

He learned that young, watching with adoring eyes as the  _ Millennium Falcon  _ disappeared into hyperspace, waiting at the window until it’s return each and every time...  _ Come back,  _ he’d whisper in a little voice,  _ I love you. Please come back.  _

He always did. And Ben always loved his father — even as he fell from the hanger after igniting his lightsaber straight into his heart. Even then, he still loved him; even then, it still hurt. 

There were other times, too, when he realised that  _ love  _ wasn’t so simple: like the nights that never seemed to quiet down, shouting matches carrying high into his room. There was that word he sensed,  _ ‘monster’,  _ when his anger spiked and his power became uncontrollable, when his parents fought until it ended in tears, when his mother insisted he be sent away and the one, unforgettable time he woke up to a bright flash of green and haunted blue eyes. 

There was even Snoke. And,  _ perhaps, _ that was the most complicated of all. 

But then Rey came along — ten years younger, ten years wiser — on the other side of the war, with the Resistance, with his Uncle, with everyone he held a complicated relationship with, and on the other side of the Galaxy. That didn’t stop love, though. 

It didn’t stop his heart from beating hard in his chest when she held out a delicate hand, face a warm wash of glow from the crackling fire; it didn't stop his own fingers from trembling, reaching out to touch his own. 

_ “You’re not alone,”  _ He’s said, soft and almost unsure — hoping to give her comfort, hoping to show that he knew and understood. 

She’d looked up. Her hair was wet, sticking to her face, but her eyes were so very certain..  _ “Neither are you.”  _

It was complicated. It was stupid. But Snoke always remarked on his intelligence, or lack thereof, and Kylo Ren  _ knew  _ that this connection was more than just the force. 

Kylo Ren knew he was in love with Rey. And there was nothing that he could do. 

So, as the bond cracked away and she faded from his vision, his outstretched hand clenched into a fist and a vital decision was made. 

~ * ~

Somehow, it became more complicated. 

She’d crossed the Galaxy for him. She’d called him Ben. She’d seen him standing beside her, together. 

But he saw something different; he saw all the things that held her back from her true, strong self; all the things she’d drawn up in her own pretty head just to cope and sleep at night, helping her add another scratch on metal for a lost cause. 

Rey was stubborn, though. She fought, got knocked down and pushed on. She would’ve continued fighting until Snoke did the irreversible — _all_ _for him_ — but Kylo cleaved him in half before that could happen; separating him into two with the family lightsaber, the family he’s so determined to forget, while Rey was forced to kneel down before him. 

He’d planned it though. Kylo had decided to kill Snoke the minute after Luke had interrupted their connection. 

And she had come to help. 

They fought together, then, in sequence; an unstoppable force of power, flowing together like a heavy stream. A rapid of energy, taking on too many guards then what was reasonably possible. He saved her, she saved him, until they were the last two standing. 

_ “Join me.”  _ He’d asked then, full of hope.  _ “Please.”  _ He’d even said, softly; how long had it been since he’d said that word?  _ “Please.”  _ So he said it again; though it shifted into something more like begging. 

His hand trembled once again, reaching out to her. 

Only this time, she didn’t accept. This time, her tears were  _ because  _ of him. This time she shut the door for good. 

And the ache in his chest, the pain in his heart — it only assured his love was stronger than originally thought.. 

~ * ~

It’s funny.

How love can linger, even with no contact. How it can pursue within the mind; how his brain has an imprint of her face, how his memory remembers her touch so vividly — a brush of fingers, a tight grip on a thick thigh. 

Even as he sits on his throne, holding a title far greater than he ever imagined for himself, Kylo feels empty. Alone.  _ Angry.  _

_ ‘Neither are you.’  _

That was her assurance. That was  _ her  _ company. 

Was it all a lie? 

He hardly knows. 

There are days where he wakes and understands that  _ he  _ made the mistake; he was wrong in wanting all the power and control (but, you see, he’d always struggled with control; for once, he just wanted control of his  _ own  _ mind and body and for her to be by his side). There are other mornings where he wonders  _ how  _ she could ever expect him to cross to that side; where Luke resides, his would-be murderer; where his mother commands, who sent him to his execution. 

_ She didn’t know,  _ he reasons,  _ how could she know her brother, the hero of the galaxy, would stoop so low?  _

_ Luke is dead,  _ he reminds himself,  _ he apologised. It wasn’t enough; it doesn’t undo anything, but he’s gone.  _

_ You love them,  _ his heart speaks.  _ You don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to, but you do.  _

It’s a cycle that runs for a year. A cycle that breaks at a familiar sizzle; a crack and snap that leaves him a little breathless, mind growing fuzzy as the absent, ‘extinct’ bond crashes into motion. 

Her hair is longer. Her skin is more tan. Her eyes, rounded with shock. 

For a brief moment, he wants to yell. He wants to scream and cry and carry on; he can feel it in his throat, tight and constricting his airways; in his head, which pounds from so many thoughts, so many opinions; in his heart that pounds away at his ribcage, chest rising. 

But a minute passes and no words come from either mouth. Time goes by, and all they can do is stare. 

Eventually, the heavy sense of disorientation fades; it cuts away, hiding Rey from sight.

And the empty feeling returns. 

_ I miss you,  _ he wanted to say.  _ I want you. I’m sorry. Why did you leave? Why did you lie? Come back.  _

Most of all, he wanted to say:

_ I love you.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Happy belated birthday Marrissa! I promise I won't keep you hanging with the update (big surprise there, we all know i suck at that LMAOOO) because it's prettyyy much already done. YAY. One more section to go. 
> 
> I hope you had an amazing birthday and were spoiled and are gonna party hard this weekend <3 You deserve only the best X


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